


In and Out (no, not the restaurant, like the closet)

by The_small_one_to_rule_them_all



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders is a Good Friend, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders is a Sweetheart, Everyone Is Gay, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Morality | Patton Sanders Angst, Morality | Patton Sanders Needs a Hug, Trans Morality | Patton Sanders, Transphobia, patton sanders has a panic attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:55:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22195153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_small_one_to_rule_them_all/pseuds/The_small_one_to_rule_them_all
Summary: Patton is both in and out of the closet. Coming out is Hard. It isn’t a one time thing, and it isnt always your choice.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 3
Kudos: 117





	In and Out (no, not the restaurant, like the closet)

Patton crumples, falling to his knees as the panic hits him. He can't do this. He feels his hands shaking and he whimpers as the world seems to press in around him. He tries to take a deep breath, failing he feels himself start hyperventilating, his breathing going as fast as his thoughts.

A knock on the door startles him, “Patton, are you ready to go yet?” Virgil asks, “We’re gonna be late if we don't leave soon.”

When he gets no answer, Virgil frowns, “Patton, are you okay?”

As Virgil hears Patton’s hiccuping breath, he opens the door. His stomach drops when he sees Patton curled against his mirror panicking. He rushes over and sits beside him, “Hey, Patt, it’s me. It’s okay. I'm gonna breathe and you try to copy me as best you can, okay?”

A nod.

Virgil breathes deeply and Patton’s gasping breaths follow the rhythm of his breathing. Slowly Patton starts to breathe normally as the panic starts to fade. Once Patton is calm enough, Virgil pulls him into a hug.

Patton wraps his hands around Virgil and sighs, “I can't go to the premiere, I can’t, 'm sorry.”

Virgil runs a hand through Patton’s hair, “Okay, that’s fine. I don't really like parties anyway, but can you tell me why?”

Patton curls further into Virgil, “My... my parents will be there.”

“You didn't tell me they were coming.” Virgil says with a frown. Patton knows he gets anxious about those things, he would’ve told him, right?

Patton shakes his head, “I didn't know. My mother texted, told me they were going to the premiere, said they were hoping to see me.”

“What did you say?”

“I said I'm too busy and that we won't be able to meet up.”

Virgil sighs, “Listen, Patton, you’ve told me you don't have a great relationship with your parents, but for the thought of seeing them again to give you a panic attack that... that’s a lot. If, if you can ... would tell me why?”

Patton takes a shaky breath, “Virgil, when I left home, I wasn’t out to them at all. They don't know i'm gay, let alone that i'm trans, going by a different name and dating you. Though I suppose if I told them I'm dating you they would assume we’re a straight couple, but...” Patton sighs, “Virgil, they have no idea. They wouldn't be accepting if they knew. They, they would hate me and probably disown me.”

Virgil sighs and gives Patton a big hug. He pulls out his phone, “I’ll call Roman and Logan and make sure they know we’re not coming and figure out what to do about your parents, alright?”

Patton nods and Virgil dials.

Roman picks up the phone while styling his hair, “Hey there, calling to tell me you’re gonna be late, Prince of Panic?”

Virgil sighs, “Hey Roman, and no. Actually, Patton and I can't make it.”

“Oh, is there a reason?”

“Uh, yeah, did you know Patt’s parents are coming?” Virgil asks.

Roman frowns, “We heard they were going, yeah. We thought it might be a nice surprise.”

Virgil shakes his head, “Well, it’s a nice thought, but not exactly. You see, Patton isn't out to his parents, like, at all and apparently they’re super homophobic.”

“Oh my dear sweet Cole Sprouse. I'm so sorry, we didn't know.”

Virgil shrugs, “Don't worry about it, we know you meant well.”

“Wait, if they’re going to be at the premiere, how do we avoid outing Patt? I would hate to deadname him or use the wrong pronouns or anything. What should we do?”

Virgil frowns, “Uh, I don't know, that’s up to you.”

Roman sighs, “Wait they don't even know us. I guess we’ll just have to avoid mentioning you two.”

“Well, If you’re sure that will work then I guess it should be fine”

“I am.” Roman insists.

Virgil sighs, “Okay, Bye Princy. I’ll call Logan and let him know we can't make it.”

“Bye, tell Patton we’re sorry.” Roman asks.

“He already knows.” Virgil tells him with a small smile, looking down at Patton curled in his lap.

Virgil hangs up and calls Logan 

“Hey Logan.”

“Hello Virgil. Why are you calling? Are you and Paton going to be late?”

“No, Logan. Patton and I won't be able to make it tonight.”

“Oh,” Logan blinks straightening his tie, “May I ask as to why?”

Virgil nods, “Sure. Patton isn't out to his parents at all and apparently they’re pretty homophobic.”

“Oh dear,” Logan clears his throat, “I am sorry about that, we had no idea, we thought it would be a nice surprise to have them there.”

Virgil smirks, “Well, Patt got a text from his parents saying they were looking forward to seeing him at the premiere, so it wouldn't be much of a surprise, but that’s fine.”

Logan’s eyes go wide, “Oh my, I do apologize for any bad things that might have brought up.”

Virgil shakes his head, “Don't worry about it, we know it didn’t happen on purpose. And Roman is making sure his speech doesn’t mention Pat, he is hoping no one will realize you know us.”

“What will happen if word gets around to his parents that we do?”

Virgil sighs, “I don't know but that’s gonna be your problem to deal with, not ours.”

Logan nods, “Fair enough. Have a good night, you two will be missed.”

“Thanks Logan, tell Roman we think he did absolutely wonderful in the show. And I think we will have a good night. I figured we would watch some movies and make a fort in the living room.”

Logan smiles, “I will. That certainly sounds entertaining, just make sure to eat some protein, I know you two tend to just eat apples and popcorn when you do that and I want to make sure you are taking care of yourselves.”

“I thought Patton was the Dad friend.” Virgil says with a laugh, “Don't worry Lo, we’ll eat some salami we have left over from lunches this week.”

Logan nods, “That is satisfactory. Well, I need to go, it’s time to leave and Roman isn't ready yet.”

“Bye Logan.”

“Goodbye.”

Virgil hangs up and shoves the phone in his pocket, “Hey, why don't you get changed into your cat onesie and meet me downstairs with supplies for the fort? I’ll start getting all the furniture ready and set up the outside if you bring stuff for inside.”

Patton smiles up at him, eyes still watery, “That sounds good.”

An hour later they’re sitting side by side under a pile of blankets eating popcorn and watching Winnie the Pooh. 

  
  
  


Patton wakes up to a knock at the door. He smiles as he looks over to see Virgil asleep in his skeleton onesie beside him. Patton rubs his eyes and stretches, getting up to turn on the coffee pot. He jumps as he hears the doorbell chime. 

He looks through the peephole on the door and smiles, opening it wide, “Logan, Roman, what are you doing here?”

Logan lifts the large tupperware he is holding, “We thought we would bring over the leftovers from the premiere and share.”

Roman smiles, “Yeah, we thought we might give you two your own private party!”   
Patton grins, “Well that certainly is nice, but Virgil isn't up yet. Why don't you come in and I’ll go wake him up.”

“Patton, who are you talking to?” Virgil steps into the foyer with a cup of coffee in his hands, “Oh. Hi. I'm gonna-” Virgil points a thumb behind him. 

Patton’s phone starts buzzing frantically in his pocket and he pulls it out. He looks at it and his face pales. He opens it and scrolls a bit.

Virgil sets his coffee down, “Patt, what’s wrong?” he asks.

Patton opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. He clasps his hand over his mouth. His legs buckle. Roman catches him as he falls, dropping his phone.

“What’s wrong Padre? You okay?” Roman asks as he leans Patton against the wall.

“My- my dad.” Patton gulps and stares at his shaking hands, tears falling down his face, “He, he knows. They know. They know everything.”

Roman frowns, “How could they?”

Patton shakes his head “I don't know. I.. I..” He stops, panic taking over as his breathing shallows.

Virgil sits beside him and walks Patton through the breathing exercise Patton had done with him so many times.

Logan steps inside and stoops down, setting down the tupperware and picking up the phone. He scrolls through the messages from Patton’s father, a scowl on his face. 

When Patton’s breathing returns to normal Virgil pulls him into a hug, “I’m sorry your parents are assholes.”

Patton chuckles dryly, “Thanks for the sentiment.”

Logan sighs, “Patton, did... Did you read all of these?”

Patton nods.

Logan shakes his head, “The nerve of some people. So ignorant, so dim witted. Good news is your dad hasn’t said any more since you dropped your phone.”

Patton frowns and takes a shaky breath, “That’s because he wants a response. Just leave him on read. He is so fluent in passive aggressive, he’ll know what it means.”

Roman takes the phone from Logan and quickly looks through the texts, “I want to call them, I have some choice words-”

“NO!” Patton yells, “Don't! Don't call them! It’ll only make all of this worse!”

Roman puts his hands up, “Alright, I'm sorry, I won't! It was just a joke, I promise.” Roman says handing the phone back to Logan.

Patton sighs, “I knew they would respond like this. There is a reason why I have almost never responded to a single call or text from them since I left home. I cut them out of my life. I'm not letting them back in.”

Logan hands the phone to Virgil and grabs the tupperware from where he had left it on the floor, “Would you two like to change while Roman and I set up a buffet of leftovers to take your mind off it?”

Patton wipes his eyes, “I appreciate the thought, but I don't think I could keep anything down.”

Virgil frowns, “What do you need from us Patton? How can we help?”

“Honestly,” Patton says staring at his lap, “I just wanna sit in the blanket fort and cry for a while.”

Roman nods and helps Virgil get Patton on his feet.   
Logan adjusts his glasses, “Let me put this in the fridge and I'll join you.”

Virgil smiles softly at him, “Bring water and juice boxes when you join us, will you?”

“Of course.”

Virgil, Roman, and Paton settle into the fort. Virgil moves the empty popcorn bowl and food plate on the table across the room before he takes his place on Patton’s left leaving Patton sandwiched between him and Roman. 

Roman grabs the tissues from the corner where they had been discarded and hands them to Patton who gives him a small smile. 

Logan appears moments later with juice boxes and water in hand. He sets the drinks down in front of the trio and sits beside Roman.

Patton puts his head in his hands and whimpers.

Virgil runs a hand through Patton’s hair, “Hey, it’s okay. It’s safe here. You can let it out.” 

Patton gasps out a sob and Roman places a comforting hand on his back.

Patton puts his arms down, hunching in on himself, “It just  _ hurts _ . I knew what they would say but it... it still hurts so bad. I hate that it hurts. I hate it! It shouldn't, I cut them out of my life. I didn't think he would say...I mean i'm his child. How could he say those things to me? 

I mean, I guess, I... I thought maybe I wouldn't ever have to come out. I thought I could move away and never see them again. I thought they might never find out. I wasn't ready, I... I...” Patton stops, letting words give way to tears. 

Virgil takes Patton’s glasses off his face and hands them to Logan who places them on the table next to him. Patton manages to squeeze out a thank you and Virgil wraps his arm around Patton’s shoulders.

They sit there for a while until Patton calms down to sniffles and hiccuping breaths. 

Roman removes his hand from Patton’s back, handing Patton a juice box before placing it next to the other in his lap. “It’s okay that this hurts.” Roman says, looking at his hands, “Even though you knew what they’d say. It always hurts. It never gets easier to hear someone say those sorts of things to you, especially if it’s someone you wish would be supportive, someone that should accept you-.” Roman’s voice breaks and he sighs, tears falling down his cheeks.

Patton opens the juice box and drinks as he talks. When Roman finishes he looks up at him, “You... you too?”

Roman nods, “My parents, they always said they would never go to a gay wedding, not even for their own son, god  _ forbid  _ he end up that way.” Logan grabs Roman’s hand and gives it a gentle squeeze, “Needless to say, when they saw a picture of Logan and I on Facebook, they did not take it very well. The looks on their faces that day when I went home, the horrible things they said, I remember all of it. I'm so sorry you have to go through that too.”

After a long moment Patton whispers, “Does it ever stop hurting?”

Roman closes his eyes tight and whispers a pained, “No.”

Patton sighs, wrapping his arm around Roman and leaning against his shoulder.

Roman shakes his head, “This is all my fault. I never should've even suggested we let your parents come, much less without asking you. I'm so sorry.”

Patton sighs, “You couldn't have possibly known. I mean, I would've liked it if you had asked me, but you were trying to do something nice for me. I appreciate the sentiment. I appreciate that you would want to do something like that for me.”

“Yeah, but the intent doesn't really matter if I screwed it all up.” Roman insists.

“We don't know that we caused this.” Logan reminds him, “We don't even know how Patton’s parents found out. It could've happened completely separate from the premiere, and the timing led us to believe they were connected.”

Roman sighs, “I guess you’re right Specs.”

Patton and Virgil jump as Patton’s ringtone starts playing. Virgil pulls the phone out of his pocket and his eyes go wide, “Patton, it’s... it’s your mom.”

Patton starts to panic, “I can't answer right now! I'm a mess! Why is she calling? What does she want from me?”

Virgil declines the call. He puts the phone down and his hands in the air, “There, it’s over. We don't have to worry about it.”

Patton takes a deep breath and nods, calming down. Then the phone starts ringing again. 

Patton shakes his head, eyes wide, “No, no, no, no, no, no!”

Virgil declines the call.

Patton’s mom leaves a voicemail.

“Do... do you wanna listen to it?’

Patton doesn’t respond for a minute. Slowly he nods, lifting the phone to his ear and pressing play.

“Hello dear, it’s your mom. I know us finding out about all of this has to be a shock for you, and probably a painful one at that. I know you must be upset right now, but I just want to talk to you. I haven’t heard from you in so long, please. I... I just want to talk.”

Patton sets the phone down as the message ends, “That... wasn't as bad as I was expecting.”

Virgil nods, “That’s good.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

Patton shakes his head, “No. I need a minute to think.”

They settle into a heavy but comfortable silence. They rest in one another’s company, knowing that they all support each other. 

Ten minutes later Patton’s phone rings again. They all stare at it for a few ring cycles, surprised she would call again. 

Patton’s lip trembles, “I'm gonna answer it.”

“What? !” Virgil asks incredulous.

“Just give me the phone.” he insists.

Virgil hands him the phone and Patton takes a deep steadying breath before answering. When he speaks, they are all taken aback by how calm he sounds. 

“Hello, mother,” he says, “This is Patton. If you are calling to tell me your thoughts on how the lifestyle I have chosen is wrong or to invalidate me, insult me, or try to get me to change, just hang up now. I've heard it all a million times before. So please, if that’s what you want from me, just leave before you make me go through the pain of that again.”

There’s a pause and Patton sighs, looking at the phone. Surprised to see his mom hasn't hung up yet he puts the phone back to his ear.

“Lu-” she clears her throat, “Patton, son, are you still there?” his mom asks.

Patton gasps shakily, a tear falling down his face, “Mom?”

“Oh, thank you for answering. I'm so sorry everything happened this way.” she says. 

“You’re... You’re calling me by my new name?!” Patton says with a smile.

The others share a look and leave to give Patton some space.

“Of course I'm calling you by your name. Why on earth wouldn't I?” his mom asks. 

“I... I didn't think you would approve.” he admits 

“Of your name?”

Patton shrugs, “Of my name. Of me. Of being trans and gay. Of not coming out to you.”

His mom sighs, “Oh. Patton, dear, I'm so sorry.”

“What?” Patton asks, confused. 

“I know the things your father has been saying to you, and I know it can't be easy to hear from him. And I'm sorry. But more than that, i'm sorry I never made you feel like you could be comfortable around me, like you couldn't be yourself, couldn't come out. You don't have to be afraid. I'm your mom, I love you and nothing is going to change that. Nothing. Not you being trans, or gay, or bi or anything else. I love you.”

Patton breaks down sobbing.

“Oh, honey i'm sorry i'm not there to give you a hug. Why don't you go get a hug from someone? I think I hear your friends in the background, right? Go get a hug, please.”

Patton manages a laugh as Virgil appears at the front of the blanket fort looking concerned. He makes a grabby hand at him. Virgil gives him a smile and sits next to him. Patton gives him a big hug, letting go when he calms down.

“Did you get your hug?” his mom asks. 

“Yeah mom, I did.”

“Good.”

“Hey mom?”

“Yes Patton?”

“How, how did you find out?” he asks. 

“Oh,” she sighs, “Well, when we realised we weren’t going to see you in person we kinda stalked you on social media, or we tried. We didn't know to look for your new name so we went through your friends pages looking for pictures of you. We didn't recognise you at first. We realised it was you when we saw a picture of you and... Virgil I believe is his name and a few of your other friends at a party. You two were kissing. If I'm being honest with you, it was a rather cute picture.”

Patton groans, “Oh  _ that _ picture?!”

“Is there something wrong with that picture?” she asks. 

“No but if I was gonna come out to you with a picture on Facebook  _ that one  _ definitely wouldn't be my first choice.” Patton insists, hearing Virgil laugh quietly next to him.

“Well i'm sorry, but I can't change that now. Perhaps you can send me better pictures sometime.” his mom suggests. 

“I could do that.” Patton agrees. 

“I uh, I'd like to see you again, Patton, if you’d let me. We could catch up, you could come out to me on your own terms, however you want to, showing me whatever pictures you want. We could meet at that little restaurant we used to always go to for milkshakes and have lunch or something. Would, would you want to do that?” she asks hesitant yet, hopeful.

Patton smiles, “I would like that. Does Tuesday work for you?”

“Lunch on Tuesday is perfect.”

“It’s a plan. I’ll see you there.” Patton says.

“See you there. Love you, son.”

“I love you too, mom.” Patton hangs up grinning wide. 

Patton stands up and pulls Virgil out of the fort rushing over to the others. He grabs Roman by the hands and spins in a circle laughing, still crying from the rush of it all.

“I take it the phone call went well then.” Logan says with a chuckle.

Patton stills, dropping Roman’s hands and facing the others as they stand around the table. “She called me her son. She used my new name. She said she loves me.” He whispers, tears of joy falling from his face.

“That’s amazing!” Roman exclaims, beaming and wrapping Patton in the biggest hug he can give him.

Patton feels another set of arms wrap around him, then another. He chuckles, “Well, today has been an emotional rollercoaster and I haven't even been up for two hours.”

Roman smiles, “Don't you love rollercoasters?”

Patton lets go of the hug, “Yeah, but I think I'm ready to get off the ride now.”

Logan rolls his eyes, “You hungry Patton? It's been a while and you haven't had breakfast yet.”

Patton wipes his eyes, “I am hungry, I hadn't realised. What did you guys bring over? Anything breakfast worthy, or do I need to make myself some eggs?”

  
  
  
  


Patton taps his fingers on the mug of hot chocolate in his hands. He looks around, his mom should be here soon. He sighs and takes a sip of his hot chocolate when he hears the door open and sees his mom walk in. He wipes his mouth and sets down the cup, standing to face her. She turns to see him and smiles. She walks briskly over to Patton wrapping him in the biggest hug. She kisses the top of his head bringing a hand up to hold the back of his head.

“I love you.” she whispers.

Patton smiles, “I love you too.”

She finally lets go, holding Patton by his shoulders at arms length, “Let me look at you.”

Patton blushes and looks away. She puts a hand under his chin and lifts his head to look her in the eyes. “You look very handsome. I like your hair, it suits you, but more importantly, you look confident and happy. You look so much happier than you ever did at home.”

“I am happy, Mom.” Patton says.

“Good, now why don't we sit”

Patton chuckles, “Okay.”

They sit and his mom orders a coffee.

“I would ask if you like anyone or if you’ve kissed anyone yet, but I think I already know the answer to that.”

Patton smiles, “I... thanks. That means a lot.”

“Now, why don't we sort this all out, and you come out to me properly, hmm?” 

Patton nods, “So what would be easiest? Should I go by chronologically how I figured it out or by label and tell the stories potentially out of order?”

She smiles, “Start at the beginning, it’ll be easier for you to keep track that way.”

Patton takes a deep breath, “Okay, well, do you remember that one time in middle school-”

  
  
  


“Wait, you never told me, are you and Virgil dating?”

Patton smiles, “Yeah, I thought it was obvious.” 

His mom sits forward, chin in her hands, “So, how long have you two been a thing?”

Patton starts to blush a bit, “It has been a while, maybe two years.”

His mom nods, “Is he treating you well? He loves you?”

“Yes mom, he is so good. He sat and helped me through a panic attack just this morning, he knows my favorite food and makes it for me on days where he notices I'm not feeling well, and he loves me. He really, really loves me. And I love him too.”

“Well he certainly sounds like a good man. I hope he knows that if he ever hurts you he is going to have to answer to me.” His mom insists, pointing to herself for emphasis.

Patton blushes and shakes his head, “Mom, he knows he’s going to have to answer to several people already! He hasn’t even met you!”

His mom shrugs, “Well, maybe one day you could introduce us, preferably  _ before _ your wedding day.”

“MOM!” Patton groans fondly, “Come on, you’ve known about him for just a few days! And yes, eventually you two can meet, but I can't just spring that on him! I don't want your first interaction to be him having a panic attack.”

“That’s fair sweetheart... can I call you sweetheart?”

“Yeah Mom, you can call me sweetheart, and don't worry, you’ll meet him.”

“Well thank you for the reassurance.” His mom stretches her arms, sparing a glance at her watch, “Oh my is that the time? I need to go home and clean up before I make dinner!”

“Well then I’ll let you go.”

“See you later Pat. I love you.”

Patton smiles, “I love you too, and mom, thank you.”

She smiles sadly and hugs him, “Of course dear, you will always be my child. I love you no matter what. Remember that, okay?”

“Okay.” Patton nods.

His mom gathers her things and leaves and Patton heads to his car once she pulls away. By the time he gets back to the house he is only just holding back tears. 

Virgil opens the door to him and Patton immediately throws himself into Virgil’s arms and begins to cry.

Virgil holds him and closes the door with his foot, turning his concern to the man in his arms. “Hey, are these happy or sad tears Pat?”

“So-o Ha-apy” Patton manages.

Virgil smiles and hugs Patton tighter, “Good, I'm glad.”


End file.
